Planet Zorbatron, the 0.1% and the Histamine Hulklings of Sector Eleven

The last time I wrote about my allergies, I was unsure whether or not I was allergic to gluten. Since my last posting on the subject, the GI doctor confirmed that I can, in fact, eat gluten without any major issues. That’s good news. But, alas, my stomach pains still continue, even after the colonoscopy and endoscopy which provided no additional insight. Nonetheless, I’ve realized since that it is a separate issue; separate from the (four) seasonal allergies I suffer from.

My allergist and I met yesterday to discuss the next step in our plan to curb the itching problem, and the sinus infections, and the redness that travels in long streaky patches across my skin. The steps that preceded this conversation included a week’s dose of Doxepin, a drug that has been around for quite some time, and is traditionally prescribed for depression, but has, for my proposed benefit, anti-itch qualities. It didn’t help. Before that, it was a cornucopia of Xyzal, Zantac and Singulair, all of which were taken twice a day. That hasn’t helped either. And before all of that, it had been a series of OTC drugs, anti-itch lotions, anti-inflammatory medicines and the like. All to no avail.

And after all of this, I find myself a meager 10% down on the itch factor; and my doctor, who is generally a very emotionless guy, explaining to me how frustrating it is for him that he can’t figure this out. Seriously. It was a bit of an odd experience. I sat quietly in my chair, looking upon a veteran of medicine as he squirmed and sighed and put his palm to his forehead, all frustrated and flummoxed and unsure of what to do.

It was a bit unsettling. And so when he asked me what I wanted to do, after explaining a few of my options, I was taken aback. How was I supposed to know, I thought. Needless to say, his frustration was cause for anxiety on my own part. Doctors are the experts, I said to myself. And my doctor, well he isn’t sure what to do. He is stuck.

“Non, I’m not sure why this isn’t helping. 99.9% of patients should have responded to those drugs with a significant change for the better.”

Those were his words, more or less. In an odd, mildly masochistic way, it brings me some relief to hear it. It’s true. I seem to always whine and complain about my allergies. But I don’t feel so bad about that anymore. I am 0.1%.

So I told him we should try the Prednisone. If that doesn’t help much, then we have bigger fish to fry. But if it does, then we try to find an alternative with equal amounts of anti-itch gusto.

Anyhow, to spin this positively, I can say that I feel “special” ( if you’ll allow me to just indulge myself for a moment). As a friend of mine said, “I feel like the diagnosis will soon be ‘you are a new breed of human’.” To that, I say “that would be awesome.”

Or, something like this:

Doctor: You are not meant for this world.

Me: But Doc, where I am supposed to be, if not here?

Doctor: You, young man, belong on the planet Zorbatron.

Planet Zorbatron - Image Courtesy of Wiki Commons

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3 thoughts on “Planet Zorbatron, the 0.1% and the Histamine Hulklings of Sector Eleven

  1. Jake says:

    Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Your planet looks dope.

  2. […] nose, or the old man that has a scratch in his throat. But not for me. I am, if you remember, the 0.1%. Which is to say that my histamines beat your anti-histamines. Or, until they come up with a drug […]

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