To Be a Parent, Ah Yes. What, You Hate Them?

I’m excited to be a parent; to be a dad. Jessica, oddly, isn’t. Believe me, I’ve tried to get her to understand. She doesn’t get it. The child with the chocolate yogurt on their face, the ceaseless crying of the baby–I find these things to be wonderful. Jessica, she hates them. She’d prefer to not see them, or hear them, or smell their adorable poopy pants. I keep telling her that they can’t just “go away,” that he/she is only one-years-old and can’t walk. One time, at the park, she approached a crying baby boy and shoved a damp, snotty ball of tissue down his throat. I told her that she can’t do that anymore; that we can only use the “I’m so sorry she was just released from the asylum” excuse so many times. I suppose, in retrospect, I should have seen this coming. The day before our wedding, at the rehearsal dinner I walked in on her punching herself in the tummy saying, “you will never happen.”

But I digress.

Parenting isn’t in my future. Unless I put her down. Although I’m not willing, just yet, to do that. I’ll keep you posted.

P.S. I’m not kidding.

P.P.S. Okay, fine. I’m kidding. Jessica wants to be a parent too. She adores kids. But I hate that I have to explain that. But I foresee that I must.

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4 thoughts on “To Be a Parent, Ah Yes. What, You Hate Them?

  1. K. Barnett says:

    For what it’s worth, I never liked kids in any generic way, but I love my son (and, as you say, his adorable poopy pants). If it’s your kid, 1) there will probably be far less screaming (though still some screaming), because you guys won’t be that kind of parent and 2) you’re so busy being amazed at all the things they learn to do that the stuff that would drive you nuts if it were anyone else’s kid you just don’t notice as much.

  2. K. Barnett, very true. We (the both of us) are so very excited to be parents. Soon enough, we say. For me, this excitement comes out in weird, silly ways–like this post. 🙂

    Thanks for your comments!

  3. Jake says:

    Step 1: Have a bunch of kids. Step 2: Hire your ol’ pal Jake as wildly kick-ass nanny-guy. Step 3: Pay nanny-guy upwards of $100,000 a year. Step 4: Live forever.

  4. Jake, this will be taken into consideration.

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